My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just had sex on a roof
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
