It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
