my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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