I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
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Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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