I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
