did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
