11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
