im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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