omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
