I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
