Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
