Just fell off a train. Bad.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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