he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
