:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
