Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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