the condom got lost in my hair
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
