Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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