time to smoke my breakfast
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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