I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
