I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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