Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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