So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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