beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
