it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think I am morally bankrupt
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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