My nipple is on Facebook.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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