Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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