That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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