my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
