OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
