he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
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