i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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