Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
