I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
