My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So vagazzling was a success
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
