she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just pee around me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
