Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
