I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me