Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Not as such, no.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
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I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.