i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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