so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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