I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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