dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
