I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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