I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
