You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
