with your own penis?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
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