I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
