How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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