our cab driver is having phone sex.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
