Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
