dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
