Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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