I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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