I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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