My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
